Wednesday, September 26, 2012

To Be a Turtle, or Not To Be…

I imagine that to be a turtle feels very safe. You walk around slowly, always checking things out, but whenever there is a threat, you retreat within a very safe armor. This armor that has the ability to protects from danger.

 I feel like that turtle.         

I’ve felt like a turtle for the last three years. So much has happened in my life that to think back on it, makes my head spin, or perhaps recoil. The crap that has been in my life has caused me to change in many deep ways. I can’t stand here and tell you how I’ve changed. I can only say that I have changed and that I feel like a completely different person than I was just a few years ago.

The positive aspect is that I’ve changed into an even deeper person. I am changed by my experience and as a result, I find myself less impulsive, less ‘out there’ in the sense of my expressions and need for accomplishing something on the outside. The negative is that I feel like a turtle. I feel closed off, protected, and terrified of coming out. My shell is very safe, very warm, and I don’t have to worry about someone knocking me off my feet. I’m low to the ground and ready for anything.

Anything, but love, happiness, and joy that is! There is a part of me that is so ready to EXPRESS, to fully feel alive and vibrant. But I’m just not there yet. I have totally cut myself off from feeling anything that could possible resemble health and vibrancy, which is evident in my weight gain. My body has become my shell and I know it.

However, I do feel that change is on the horizon. I sense that things are changing, and yet I find myself unable, or unwilling, to allow myself to get excited. I’m so used to hurt and disappointment that I’ve found that allowed my ‘self-talk’ to reflect and expect disappointment. But, at least I’m aware of it!!!

Obviously a bigger part of me is expecting joy and expansion, or else my life would not be starting to expand again. So for me, the key is to just be in the moment. Enjoy the small victories, and allow my ‘self-talk’ to prepare for something much, much more joyful!

My first step in this is to see myself as a plant, rather than as a turtle. When a plant is transplanted, which is what the Universe had done to me, it is important to cut off all the leaves, anything that takes away from the growth of deep roots. This allows for deep growth without wasting energy on external stuff.

Now I think I’m getting my first bud! Woo hoo!

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