Monday, August 6, 2012

The Dark Side of a Yogini

It's been many, many months since I've last written. The last few years of personal struggles finally caught up to me, and I found myself spiraling down a deep, dark hole. As much as I tried climbing out, my grip would be lost and I'd find myself a crumpled mess at the bottom of this darkness... again and again and again.

It has felt as though every part of my life has been tested, thoroughly. Testing my love, my patience, my commitment to God, and mostly my commitment to mySelf. During this period of darkness, I've pulled away from almost everyone, including my yoga kula. I've needed this time to be within the recesses of my own soul, in order to dig deep and find what was hiding there. I also needed to have that quiet space not distracted with messages from our society that tell me to snap out of it, get some exercise, go for a walk, try this herb or that.

My personal perception is that our society is not okay with depression, sadness, loss, or any negative feelings. It's easy when the people we care about are happy and laugh, but to allow them to be depressed is a different story. We are uneasy with sadness, especially if it last for months and even more so when its someone we care about.

I feel as though my depression became a useful tool. But ONLY because I was deeply honest with myself during this period. Ultimately, many useful insights came to me. After all, it is in the darkness that the Light shines most brightly.

However, it's easier, and more supported, to cover it up, to fight it, to take herbs or medicines to make us feel better, or even to exercise through it. Basically we are told to 'put on a happy face'. But how can the Truth come out if we keep resisting the urge to truly listen? If we stay too busy, how can Spirit talk to us? If we keep releasing endorphins to make us feel better, how then do find what is hiding in that deep dark space of our soul?

I can tell you from my own personal experience, that I didn't run away, I didn't cover it up, I didn't exercise through it. I stayed with it, even though I didn't want to many times. I just sat with it. It took an immense amount of courage to be truthful with myself. I almost lost many important things in my life. But I had to be truthful with myself and with those closest to me. And through it all, I've gained many important insights. I also know that I will ALWAYS have the courage to take the path that leads me to Thriving.

Now, I'm not a doctor, and I'm not saying that this is the path for you or anyone else. I'm simply stating my truth for myself. Yes, I contemplated anti-depressants, many times. But ultimately, I chose what was  best for myself. Part of truly listening, is doing what is right for ourselves, for our own bodies, even if it means seeking medical help.