I imagine that to be a turtle feels very safe. You walk
around slowly, always checking things out, but whenever there is a threat, you
retreat within a very safe armor. This armor that has the ability to protects
from danger.
I feel like that
turtle.
I’ve felt like a turtle for the last three years. So much
has happened in my life that to think back on it, makes my head spin, or perhaps recoil. The crap
that has been in my life has caused me to change in many deep ways. I can’t
stand here and tell you how I’ve changed. I can only say that I have changed
and that I feel like a completely different person than I was just a few years
ago.
The positive aspect is that I’ve changed into an even deeper
person. I am changed by my experience and as a result, I find myself less
impulsive, less ‘out there’ in the sense of my expressions and need for
accomplishing something on the outside. The negative is that I feel like a
turtle. I feel closed off, protected, and terrified of coming out. My shell is
very safe, very warm, and I don’t have to worry about someone knocking me off
my feet. I’m low to the ground and ready for anything.
Anything, but love, happiness, and joy that is! There is a
part of me that is so ready to EXPRESS, to fully feel alive and vibrant. But
I’m just not there yet. I have totally cut myself off from feeling anything
that could possible resemble health and vibrancy, which is evident in my weight
gain. My body has become my shell and I know it.
However, I do feel that change is on the horizon. I sense
that things are changing, and yet I find myself unable, or unwilling, to allow
myself to get excited. I’m so used to hurt and disappointment that I’ve found
that allowed my ‘self-talk’ to reflect and expect disappointment. But, at least
I’m aware of it!!!
Obviously a bigger part of me is expecting joy and
expansion, or else my life would not be starting to expand again. So for me,
the key is to just be in the moment. Enjoy the small victories, and allow my
‘self-talk’ to prepare for something much, much more joyful!
My first step in this is to see myself as a plant, rather
than as a turtle. When a plant is transplanted, which is what the Universe had
done to me, it is important to cut off all the leaves, anything that takes away
from the growth of deep roots. This allows for deep growth without wasting
energy on external stuff.
Now I think I’m getting my first bud! Woo hoo!
