August 8, 2015... been a really, really long time...
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Like a lotus flower, blossoming, that is where I am at today. I was reading through some of my past blogs and in 2013 I was starting to feel the first bloom, today, I still feel like a new plant with a few new buds that are finally blooming. Albeit, I will admit, those blooms feel HUGE! I imagine a Dahlia, not many on this plant, but just a few, opening up to such vibrancy... <3

So much has changed. I'm now a single mom. I've finally realized I'm bi, possibly gay. I'm studying massage therapy and Ayurveda, AND... I'm starting up a local CSA. I've found a couple female farmers that can supply veggies and meat, and I plan on raising bees, processing food, creating recipes, and marketing.  Off the wall with excitement!

I have a lot to say, but tonight is not the night. Laying the groundwork... more to come...

If you'd like a local food source, contact me at anissaduwaik@gmail.com

To Kill A... Chicken!

Hi friends! It has been SO long since I've written, that I first feel the need to apologize profusely. I really don't have an excuse, except to say that it just wasn't time for me to share. I suppose I probably should have looked at my last blog to see where I was in that space and give you an update, but I'll just fumble around with an overview.

We moved in October onto 9 acres in the Newman Lake/Ots Orchards area. I LOVE living here! We are situated between a couple of neighborhoods, so I don't feel like I'm way out in the boonies all alone, which since my husband travels a lot, is awesome.

My kids have started school in the area, and that has been an incredibly positive experience. The teacher's and staff at East Farms Elementary are really great! They are even turning into a Magnet School. I feel so blessed! My husband is also doing much better, after being out most of the summer and fall with back surgery. So all in all, things are definitely going SO much better!

I, too, have been on quite the inner journey as well. I started reading "Wild Feminine" with some other ladies, and let me tell you, this book is extraordinary! I have been working a lot with my root chakra and am feeling so much more creative. I even wrote a children's book about Creation. Hoping to wiggle my way into the publishing world!

I also decided to farm. This excites me to no end! I remember once an old boss telling me, "you can take the girl off the farm, but you can't take the farm out of the girl", as I dragged dirt on my shoes all over the store. How right he was! I have always felt that I should have been born on a farm.

We've decided to name our farm, "Grateful Life Farms, for vegetarians who eat meat!" lol! To be serious though, it was REALLY hard for me to even consider raising animals for meat. Me, the one who captures spiders in my house and releases them outside. Yes, me, the one who is outside helping worms get back into the ground after it rains!

I felt compelled to do this and fought it hard! I literally cried for two weeks, not understanding how God could ask me to take the life of another, 'To Kill a Chicken!?!' I have struggled with eating meat for as long as I can remember, but ultimately always did, because my body just feels better. Yes, I do believe that we should be vegetarians, but the reality is many of us aren't, nor chose to be.

Thanks to feedback from a few friends, I have realized that we ALL have a purpose in life. We are meant to give back in some way. For some of our feathered or furry friends, they are giving their bodies. They are also sacrificing their life for other animals since I have realized that by putting a face back on what we are eating, to give thanks, to eat their sacrifice meaningfully we are honoring them and changing the meat industry, one animal at a time. I have also realized that if I wait to long, then their bodies will be wasted. Just like if we wait to long to DO our dharma!

In the end, they will die as gently and peacefully as possible, with much gratitude. And if for some reason, I just can't do it, then I will focus on eggs and dairy products. Just have to make sure the girl stays on the farm!

To Be a Turtle, or Not To Be…

I imagine that to be a turtle feels very safe. You walk around slowly, always checking things out, but whenever there is a threat, you retreat within a very safe armor. This armor that has the ability to protects from danger.

 I feel like that turtle.         

I’ve felt like a turtle for the last three years. So much has happened in my life that to think back on it, makes my head spin, or perhaps recoil. The crap that has been in my life has caused me to change in many deep ways. I can’t stand here and tell you how I’ve changed. I can only say that I have changed and that I feel like a completely different person than I was just a few years ago.

The positive aspect is that I’ve changed into an even deeper person. I am changed by my experience and as a result, I find myself less impulsive, less ‘out there’ in the sense of my expressions and need for accomplishing something on the outside. The negative is that I feel like a turtle. I feel closed off, protected, and terrified of coming out. My shell is very safe, very warm, and I don’t have to worry about someone knocking me off my feet. I’m low to the ground and ready for anything.

Anything, but love, happiness, and joy that is! There is a part of me that is so ready to EXPRESS, to fully feel alive and vibrant. But I’m just not there yet. I have totally cut myself off from feeling anything that could possible resemble health and vibrancy, which is evident in my weight gain. My body has become my shell and I know it.

However, I do feel that change is on the horizon. I sense that things are changing, and yet I find myself unable, or unwilling, to allow myself to get excited. I’m so used to hurt and disappointment that I’ve found that allowed my ‘self-talk’ to reflect and expect disappointment. But, at least I’m aware of it!!!

Obviously a bigger part of me is expecting joy and expansion, or else my life would not be starting to expand again. So for me, the key is to just be in the moment. Enjoy the small victories, and allow my ‘self-talk’ to prepare for something much, much more joyful!

My first step in this is to see myself as a plant, rather than as a turtle. When a plant is transplanted, which is what the Universe had done to me, it is important to cut off all the leaves, anything that takes away from the growth of deep roots. This allows for deep growth without wasting energy on external stuff.

Now I think I’m getting my first bud! Woo hoo!

The Dark Side of a Yogini

It's been many, many months since I've last written. The last few years of personal struggles finally caught up to me, and I found myself spiraling down a deep, dark hole. As much as I tried climbing out, my grip would be lost and I'd find myself a crumpled mess at the bottom of this darkness... again and again and again.

It has felt as though every part of my life has been tested, thoroughly. Testing my love, my patience, my commitment to God, and mostly my commitment to mySelf. During this period of darkness, I've pulled away from almost everyone, including my yoga kula. I've needed this time to be within the recesses of my own soul, in order to dig deep and find what was hiding there. I also needed to have that quiet space not distracted with messages from our society that tell me to snap out of it, get some exercise, go for a walk, try this herb or that.

My personal perception is that our society is not okay with depression, sadness, loss, or any negative feelings. It's easy when the people we care about are happy and laugh, but to allow them to be depressed is a different story. We are uneasy with sadness, especially if it last for months and even more so when its someone we care about.

I feel as though my depression became a useful tool. But ONLY because I was deeply honest with myself during this period. Ultimately, many useful insights came to me. After all, it is in the darkness that the Light shines most brightly.

However, it's easier, and more supported, to cover it up, to fight it, to take herbs or medicines to make us feel better, or even to exercise through it. Basically we are told to 'put on a happy face'. But how can the Truth come out if we keep resisting the urge to truly listen? If we stay too busy, how can Spirit talk to us? If we keep releasing endorphins to make us feel better, how then do find what is hiding in that deep dark space of our soul?

I can tell you from my own personal experience, that I didn't run away, I didn't cover it up, I didn't exercise through it. I stayed with it, even though I didn't want to many times. I just sat with it. It took an immense amount of courage to be truthful with myself. I almost lost many important things in my life. But I had to be truthful with myself and with those closest to me. And through it all, I've gained many important insights. I also know that I will ALWAYS have the courage to take the path that leads me to Thriving.

Now, I'm not a doctor, and I'm not saying that this is the path for you or anyone else. I'm simply stating my truth for myself. Yes, I contemplated anti-depressants, many times. But ultimately, I chose what was  best for myself. Part of truly listening, is doing what is right for ourselves, for our own bodies, even if it means seeking medical help.

The 'Here' Factor

The wind outside is blowing. The chill in the air is the type that bites at your insides. There’s a gnawing feeling that is hard to determine whether it’s coming from the cold outside, or the ‘scratching to get out of your own skin’ type of screaming.

This is where I’m at. Although I hate to end in a preposition, I don’t’ know how else to describe it, this precipice… It’s simply where I Am.

 There’s urgency in the wind, a stirring in my soul. AND yet, there is a newfound respect in embodying the space in the middle. The urgency calls me and yet, the space in the middle invites me to stay.

As must be done, I feel the need to describe it allegorically, within the space of Nature. AND I must also have fun. So I dub this space of ICAN….

‘The Roots’

The roots, the roots, the roots are all a growing…

The sprouts, the sprouts, the sprouts are all a breaking…

The wind is rushing through. The sun is breaking free.

And all I can do is stop! Stop and listen.

The ringing of the wind through the breeze, the warmth of spring days penetrating my skin… the flowers blooming daily that welcome the observer in love and light… the laughter of my children, the pretend play of imaginative minds, the glow in their eyes from being seen and heard, truly…. The love I see from my husband, from my friends, from my community….

The urgency is pressing, but to see the full of expression of life, ever manifesting under our very own nose, this my friend is what life is about.

ICAN is finding its voice… TOGETHER we WILL make a difference…. But it’s only by starting at home!

Our last trip to fast food lane…

Yes, I said it, fast food. And yes, I was there. And yes, it makes me sick (and embarrassed) to admit it.

So, we had just gotten out of gymnastics and the first thing my son says to me, “Please mama, please, can we please go there? Puuleeeze???”

My response, as usual, is anger. “Why do you want to eat in a place like that? It’s disgusting. It’s immoral. Do you really want to say ‘yes’ to a place that treats animals like crap? Do you want to say ‘yes’ to a place that hurts the Earth? God! How do I get you to understand how disgusting it is?”

“I know, I just really want a toy.”

“So, you want a cheap piece of plastic that came here from China on one of those big boats, that spews oil into the ocean and kills baby turtles and sea horses and fish? Really?

“I know Mama, just this once puleeeze?”

And I cave. Yes, I caved…again, and again, and again.

I have found that in my life there are so many things that I say yes to when I really want to be saying no. And then the problem arises when our spouses are not on the same page. It’s one thing to say no to your child, but you can’t say no to your husband, right?

I offer this story, this piece of insight into my life, to show all of you that my life is not perfect. I know in my heart the life I want to lead and also know that the reality is that I am not fully there… yet!

It makes me sad, it makes me feel like a failure, it makes me ashamed that there are corn chips and frozen French fries in my house. BUT…. But that’s why we are forming ICAN. I can change these things. I can change them in my own home. And, I can change them gently or quickly- whichever works best in the circumstances that we find ourselves. But the reality is that I need help too.

The point of this organization is to offer each other support and education on HOW to make these changes.

This organization is not about changing the world, it’s about changing our OWN world…. my world, my house, my family!

Maybe my husband will come home with another bag of corn chips, but maybe I’ll just recycle the bag and be happy with that for now. Or maybe, I’ll figure out a way to make them myself and get rid of the partially hydrogenated oils AND the packaging.

The point is to live from the place we already are and find ways to make changes that lead to harmony.

I am ready to live in integrity. I am ready to sign a Declaration of Freedom that’s only purpose is to set my intention in the direction I want my life heading towards- one of sustainability and returning to the Earth all she gives to me.

I am ready to live in accordance with what the Soul already knows…

As it is, here and now...

AS IT IS, HERE AND NOW…

I have heard my yoga teacher, Karen Sprute-Francovich, make this statement time and time again. I always think I get it, but then each time I hear it again, I “get” it even more.

AS IT IS… HERE AND NOW…

So, what does this mean now? 

I met with a friend this morning and we were discussing, amongst numerous subjects, this organization, ICAN.  What’s it really about? What are we attempting to do? How does it impact our lives, and out families? Do we need to move out, “into the country” to live simply? How can we live simply in our own lives, HERE AND NOW?

To which I answer, “I have no idea!”

Well, okay, I guess that it not fully the truth. I do have an idea or two, ok, maybe even three- hahaha! But for the most part, I really don’t know what the full picture of it means. All I do know is that TOGETHER we can paint the picture of the direction we want to be heading so that we can live the way we know in our gut is right.

I also feel that this is not about ‘moving to the country’, but rather, to LIVE FULLY where we are today, HERE AND NOW, JUST AS IT IS!

This is such a beautiful, powerful statement! It makes me think back to a yoga class I taught not too long ago. The theme was about acceptance. In our minds, we have this “picture” of what perfection is to us. Whether it be a spiritual goal, a physical goal, or “way we are supposed to live”, whatever… We hold onto this goal, this picture in our minds of the “perfect” way we should be living, acting, being. And then life happens, the AS IT IS part.

The clouds of judgment roll in, followed with despair and sadness of the ‘reality’ of what is. Depression and hopelessness slowly take root thereafter.

But what if, what if… What if we could take this picture we have of the “perfect” way of living, being, acting and RIP IT UP?!? Then we could replace that picture with where we are, today, just AS WE ARE, AS IT IS. We could look at this picture, just a little closer. We could see the light shining in our eyes, perhaps sense the brightness of our hearts. Maybe, just maybe, we could even be happy with the intelligence of our minds, the warmth we emit, the gentleness of our compassion, and the gifts that we alone bring into the world.

Maybe we aren’t the perfect essence of what we think we should be, maybe we aren’t living as simply as we know we should be living. But what if instead, we could see what we are doing right, start shedding light on THAT ASPECT? Because, more important than changing everything we think we doing wrong, is shedding light on what we ARE doing right.

HERE AND NOW, JUST AS IT IS.  Then almost as if by magic, we start to understand that, that which we pay attention to GROWS….

How does this impact ICAN? Well, we can paint a picture of which direction we are heading, but with love, we can accept where we are today. We needn’t move onto acreage, change our families, or be in a commune living off the land. We need to be HERE AND NOW, AS IT IS, then we can act from this space. We don’t need to know what the final picture of this means, all we need to do is shed light on the things we doing right so that this Light can grow bright